Khel Khel Mein

As Delhi gears up and tightens her belt (or will it turn into a noose?) to host the 19th Common Wealth Games, officials from the UK, Australia and Canada express concern over the lax security arrangements. Misters UK, A and C, where and when does the question of security loom if the infrastructure to host the event will not be in place by the scheduled time for the games? As per the Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) report, 13 out of 19 sports venues evaluated are at high risk of failing deadline as work shortfall is between 25% and 50%. But as Dixit ma'am so very dispassionately assures us all the time that everything is hunky-dory, I think I am going to, for once, place my trust in the establishment. So, this essentially implies that if Lord Shiva doesn't get angry and performs his tandav, Kali Mata doesn't get pissed and brings out her tiger or Lord Krishna doesn't get agitated and spins his chakra, the Common Wealth Games will be definitely held in time on time. But let's say, for argument sake, these bhagwans do in some way impede the games, shouldn't we mortals be prepared? Shouldn't we have a contingency plan in place in order to thwart the vagaries of nature? Well, before any of these Gods decide to play a game with my life, I'll get down to business- I, hereby, propose the Uncommon Poverty Khels. There are 17 disciplines planned for the 2010 Commonwealth Games and here's my take on each:

Aquatics: Venue- Dwarka Underpass (obviously water-filled); Yamuna River
Procedure- Contestants to swim vertically in the underpass pool.
Contestants to deep-dive in Yamuna river; extra points will be awarded for retrieving coins from the river bed.

Archery: Venue- Indian Parliament
Procedure- Contestants to aim at apples placed atop the heads of lined-up politicians; extra points will be awarded for tearing a heart.

Athletics: Venue- Outer Ring Road; Chirag Delhi Nalla
Procedure- Contestants to race against blue line buses.
Contestants to jump over a nalla; extra points will be awarded for cleaning the nalla.

Badminton: Venue- Chandni Chowk
Procedure- Contestants to play Terrace Badminton in the walled city using Dahi Bhalle; extra points will be awarded for not ingesting the bhalla.

Boxing: Venue- Delhi Police Stations
Procedure- Contestants to box policemen; extra points will be awarded for avoiding a custodial death.

Cycling: Venue- BRT Corridor
Procedure- Contestants to cycle alongside the corridor; extra points will be awarded for surviving at the end of the race.

Gymnastics: Venue- Roadside Electric Poles
Procedure- Contestants to perform acrobatics on electric poles and naked wires; extra points will be awarded for not getting electrocuted.

Hockey: No comments- Hockey is India's National Game. (Ok, ok- I couldn't think of anything appropriate; or should the word be inappropriate?)

Lawn Bowls: Venue- Sadar Bazaar
Procedure- Contestants to roll balls on the market floor; extra points will be awarded for not hitting a shopper.

Netball: Venue- Roadside Hoardings
Procedure- Contestants to net the ball on nets fixed on billboards; extra points will be awarded for defacing the advertisement.

Rugby Sevens: Venue- Metro Station; IGI Terminals; Railway Stations
Procedure- Contestants to jostle and elbow crowds at the said venues, to board identified modes of transport; extra points will be awarded for not sweating.

Shooting: Venue- Indian Parliament
Procedure- Contestants to aim at berries placed atop the heads of lined-up politicians; extra points will be awarded for rupturing an eye. (Aren't apples expensive?)

Squash: Venue- MCD Office
Procedure- Contestants to be escorted by the MCD staff to various locations in Delhi that have been identified for demolition, to play squash against the walls of these illegal structures; extra points will be awarded for not getting demolished themselves.

Table Tennis: Venue- Roadside Dhabas
Procedure- Contestants to whack at mosquitoes on dhaba tables.

Tennis: Venue- Chandni Chowk
Procedure- Contestants to play Terrace Tennis in the walled city; extra points will be awarded for eavesdropping and reporting the goings-on in the locality.

Weightlifting: Venue- Metro Station
Procedure- Contestants to lift cement blocks used for Metro pillars.

Wrestling: Venue- Any Delhi Road
Procedure- Contestants to wrestle with cows, cattle, horses, pigs, camels, elephants- in fact any animal of their choice that they encounter on the road and to steer these animals towards safe houses; extra will be awarded for cleaning the animals' poo.

So, as per the games' slogan, I have completed my "Come out and Play" part.

My only hope is no one from the Delhi government comes across this little piece; else I'm so very dead. I will be like shot in the middle of the street and my body will be left at the mercy of MCD-disowned, rabies-stricken dogs. Ouch, wouldn't that hurt!

Kaminey- Dhan Te Nan!

Caught the movie over the weekend and the verdict is- Kaminey is an extremely kamini movie! Shahid is the cutest kamina around. Priyanka is not a bad kamini at all. Amol "Bhope" Gupte is a nasty kamina. Chandan "Mikhail" Roy is an endearing kamina. But, the biggest certified kamina is Vishal Bhardawaj. Well, if you sing, compose, direct, write, live and breathe your movie, you do turn out to be the best kamina ever, don't you?

The script is refreshingly kamini; the screenplay is tautly kamina; the dialogues are scathingly kaminey; the music is melodiously kamina; the cinematography is breathtakingly kamini; and of course, the direction is kamingly kamina.

All in all, the most intelligently-made Hindi kamini movie in a while. So, all you kaminas and kaminis out there- don’t miss it or rather miss it at the expense of your own kaminapan!

Thought for the Day: Zindagi mein waat tab nahin lagti jab hum koi raafta chunte hain, waat tab lagti hai jab hum koi raafta chhodte hain.

Fo Fweet!

A Sawaal of Crores

Dost: Movie dekhi weekend par?
Me: Nahin- koi thi he nahin
Dost: Love, Aaj Kal?
Me: Naa- can't watch that in a theatre- I don't like Deepika Padukone @ all!
Dost: Does she?

Bhainth of a Lifetime

I have been pestering my bro this year to get me a proper gift for Raakhi. Every year he passes on the money that my parents pass him on when my sis and I complete the tying-the-wrist-with-funky-thread ceremony. I know it is really unfair on my part since bhai is still a student and nowhere near earning his own money but it’s so much fun troubling him and it’s nothing in comparison to the torture I face at his hands all the time.

So, in view of my constant harassment, yesterday he did get me a gift- my Rakhshabandhan Bhainth- a pair of Rayban sunglasses.

• He absolutely swears by the fact that the shades are authentic which of course, they aren’t.
• He maintains that they look good on me, which they in no way do. They are so large- they cover half of my face and reach the upper jaw. I wonder if they even are meant to be worn on the eyes.
• He insists that tilt is not a flaw in the design but a brand new innovation.
• He claims that he can see the world after putting them on- I can’t even see my own hand.
• He states that they are for 100 bucks (the shopkeeper started at 250!), though I'm sure they didn’t cost more than 10/-.
• He declares that in case I don’t appreciate this pair he’ll get another one for me in any tint I want- blue, green, purple, brown, yellow - I just have to name the color- how about a color that cannot be dyed or painted on plastic? (Okay, it’s not plastic- but it still is weird.)

Well, no more Raakhi gifts for me- Thanks but no Thanks!

Marasim

Kisi Mausam Ka Jhoka Tha, Joh Iss Deewar Par Latki Hui Tasweer Tirche Kar Gaya Hai
Gaye Sawaan Mein Ye Deewarein Yoon Seeli Nahin Thi
Na Jaane Is Dafa Kyun Inmein Seelan Aa Gayi Hai Darare Pad Gaye Hai
Aur Seelan Is Tarha Bhaithti Hai Jaise Khushk Rukhsaroon Pe Geele Aansu Chalte Hain

No, this isn't something that I have penned- I can't even think in Hindi- this is the maestro Gulzar at his usual which also happens to be his best most of the time. At a time when it's easier to find a needle in a haystack than finding a meaningful Hindi song, Gulzar makes us believe that the words lyrics and poetry can be used in the same sentence and can be in fact, employed to describe a Bollywood song. With a career spanning decades, Gulzar sahib has established a relationship (marasim) with his audiences via his written thoughts and expressions and has made a very wordy contribution to the Hindi Film industry.

There's this whole basket of romantic numbers- soulful melodies that are soothing and comforting more so coz of the lyrics.
Khamosh Sa Afsaana, Paani Se Likha Hota
Naa Tumne Kaha Hota, Naa Humne Suna Hota

Roz Roz Aankhon Tale, Ek He Sapna Chale
Raat Bhar Kaajal Jale, Aankh Mein Jis Tarah Khawab Ka Diya Jale

Kabhi To Kuch Aisa Yeh Hua Tha, Neend Mein Thi Tumne Jab Chuaa Tha
Girte Girte Bahaon Mein Bachi Mein, Sapne Pe Paun Padh Gaya Tha

The basket is so very full and its brimming over- songs from movies like Khamoshi, Aandhi, Ghar, Masoom, Ijazzat, Libaas, Dil Se, Saathiya, Yahaan- an endless list.

How many Hindi songs talk, that too so beautifully about the night-after?
Raat Ka Nasha Abhi Aankh Se Gaya Nahin

One thing I really like about Gulzar's work is the smattering of English in predominantly Hindi-Urdu lyrics and the occurrence is so sudden and unexpected, it makes you question your linguistic and hearing abilities.
Aankhein Bhi Kamaal Karti Hain, Personal Se Sawaal Karti Hain
Ghoomti Machhli, Aankh Nishana, Ek Ungli Par Globe Ghumaana
Aaja Aaja Dil Nichode, Raat Ki Matki Phode, Koi Good Luck Nikale, Aaj Gulak Toh Tode

Something that makes poetry weave its magic is personification- the process of blowing life into inanimate objects and Gulzar plays this God-role so very well.
Chand Ki Utar Le Hai Dono Baliyaan
Dekhna Asmaan Ke Sire Khul Gaye Se Zameen Se
Thaka Thaka Suraj Jab Nadi Se Hoke Niklega, Hari Hari Kayi Pe Pau Pada Toh Phislega
Raat Ko Khidke Se Chori Chori Nange Pau Chand Aayega

There was an Asian Paints ad that used to so very make me look forward to buying my own house. (I still don't have one, but that's a different story.)
Har Ghar Chup Chap Se Yeh Kehta Hai, Ki Andar Isme Kaun Rehta Hai
Chath Batati Hai Kiska Aasman Hai, Rang Kehte Hai Kiska Yeh Jahaan Hai
Kamron Mein Kiski Kalpana Jhalakti Hai, Iss Farsh Par Nange Pair Kiske Bache Chalte Hai
Kaun Chun Chun Ke Isse Aapne Haathon Se Sajata Hai, Kaun Iss Makaan Mein Apna Ghar Banata Hai

Sometimes, it's just the audacity of the words- like they have taken a life of their own and decided to perform a little dance.
Kabhi Chaand Ki Tarah Tapki, Kabhi Raah Mein Padi Paaye, Athanni See Zindagi
Kya Karein Zindgai Isko Hum Jo Mile, Iski Jaan Kha Gaye Raat Din Ke Gille
Humne Gilheri Ke Jhoote Matar Khaye The (Really?)

And well, how can I forget my current favorite?
Meri Aarzoo Kamini, Mere Khawab Bhi Kaminey
Meri Dastaan Kamini, Mere Raaste Kaminey
Meri Dosti Kamini, Mere Yaar Bhi Kaminey
Kabhi Hum Kaminey Nikle, Kabhi Doosre Kaminey

And that's wherein lies the genius of Gulzar, he makes even a swear word sound poetic and melodious.

Just BMB- Beautiful, Mesmerizing, Brilliant!