With you! For you! Always!

That's what Delhi Traffic Police would like us to believe. And I, for one, want to believe.


I called up the DTP helpline and had an interesting conversation- well, remarkable enough to be blogged about.


KC: I am calling from Vasant Kunj. This is to inform you that a traffic signal situated at the T-point of Sector D1 is not working. It starts working at 8:05 in the morning but before that, it does not and this leads to major traffic jams in the area.
DTP Official: What is the red light number?
KC: I do not know.
DTPO: What is the red light name?
KC: I do not know. (Inner mulling- do red lights have names? Like Ram, Shayam, Tom?)
DTPO: How can I help then Madam? I need to know where exactly the red light is…
KC: It is at the turn for Sector D1.
DTPO: (Very patiently) That does not help me Madam. I don't know where Sector D1 is, I haven't been there. I need a prominent landmark.
KC: Well, there is an Aggarwal Sweets nearby.
DTPO: (Absolutely patronizingly) Well, there is an Aggarwal Sweets around every corner. How does that help me?
KC: (Inventing wildly & a tad forcefully) It is known as the Sector D1 red light. That's the landmark.
DTPO: Fine. Ok. We'll see what can be done.
KC: Thank you. How will I follow-up on this complaint? As in how can I track the status?
DTPO: Follow? Track? (Long breath and in a tone taken to talk to a 5 year old) You will know when the red light starts working, won't you?
KC: (Hangs head in shame) Yes, of course. Thank you.


At the end of this chit-chat I realized that I am no where close to being teez than a panchvi pass. As rightly pointed out, I should have had my facts ready. And what do I need to track anyway- the number of jalebis the DTPO will have at Aggarwal Sweets?


Blatantly ignoring my logical incompetency here, let's focus on the outcome of this particular call. I logged a complaint last Thursday. This Monday the stop light was working. That is the kind of power the police is dispensing to the local populace these days. In fact, it is quite possible that the traffic sign was rectified over the weekend and was fully operational by Sat or Sun but then I did not take the trouble to ascertain that, did I?


I would like to take this opportunity to sincerely thank the DTPO and I think it's amazingly awesome that suddenly we have such a proactive traffic police force- a body that is both smart and savvy. For someone who stays miles away from social networking sites, I find it amusing that even I am aware that Delhi Traffic Police is now on Facebook. When responsible citizens bring to light gross traffic violations for the convenience of the police, the DTP's page status goes: "Relax and chill people. We are looking into all complaints and grievances!" How kewl!


Please do visit the DTP web site. It has fun poetry like:

Accident brings tear, safety brings cheer.
Don't be a hell mate, wear helmet.
Don't be rash, let's you crash.
Caution and care make crashes rare.

Also, have a dekko at http://www.delhitrafficpolice.nic.in/trivia.htm

And then on a serious note, it's commendable that there is a growing sense of accountability and responsibility all around. Cheers to a brighter, safer and hassle-free future of traffic in Delhi!

Disclaimer!

What with Gulzar sahib being dragged into a controversy that I believe shouldn’t even exist in the first place, no one in this country seems to be creatively safe. Ibn Batuta Pehen Ke Joota, Nikal Pade Toofan Mein is the line that’s caused plagiarism charges to fly up and down, left and right. And Ibn Batuta, Bagal Mein Joota is the line that’s caused Hindi poet Sarveshwar Dayal Saxena to jump and twist in his grave. Somehow everyone seems to totally have overlooked the fact that Mr. Ibn Batuta did exist and that too non-controversially. Did he or did he not have a Joota, that’s the pertinent question to ponder over.


Anyway, what this little fracas has done is that it has made me realize that I am such a chor. Super-chor, in fact. I get inspired my some many quotes/expressions/phrases/sayings etc and these inspirations end up as titles or even sentences on my blog that I’m sure in the current let’s-give-credit-where-it’s-due atmosphere I’ll end up being beaten up by Rashtriya/AntarRashtriya Sahitya Sevak goons.


So, just so that I don’t end up in a dump or drain, I’m going to set the record straight and go ahead and express my heartfelt apologies to all those individuals to whom I may have caused irreparable harm, both knowingly or unknowingly. Additionally, I avow that no copywrite infringement was ever intended or unintended, and absolutely none whatsoever, zilch, financial gain is being made!


I am an Idiot- Are you?- To the team of Aamir, VVC and Rajkumar Hirani. And just to on the safe side, sorry Chetan too.


Back!- To my no-longer-there Yoga teacher.


Bow Wow- To the RHD and his doggy.


Shayari Sunao Madam?- To all the residents of Fatehpur Sikri including the goats.


No Kidding!- To Rakhi Sawant. Okay, strike that- no way am apologizing to her!


Aana Jaana- To the Gujjar community and as an extension to the Meenas.


Khel Khel Mein- To a lot of people here- MCD, CWG, CAG, CM SD, all the places and spots in Delhi- the list continues and so do my sorrys.


Kaminey- Dhan Te Nan!- Again, to loads of people- the entire creative of Kaminey. I am the biggest kamini!


A Sawaal of Crores- To Deepika Padukone and to Saif too- I apologize on behalf of my sister!


Bhainth of a Lifetime- To my weirdly-loving brother. If the comments are any indication, I got quite a lot of flak already.


Aai La! She-lie-a!- To Shiela Ma’am and her ideology.


Pic of the Year!- To the Pandit dudes.


Harry Potter and the Nostalgia of July- To Harry, J. K. Rowling and all the wizards and witches in the world.


A tale of 3 subzees- To Ghiya, Tori, Tinda, Parwal, Karela.


We Don’t Need No Reservation- To Pink Floyd. And no, no apologies to male politicians.


TPA- To the staff at Rockland Hospital.


AngLes and DeMoans- To the workers at Sangam theatre and the makers of “Kafann”.


Déjà Vu!- To the staff at Fortis Hospital.


Dung Ho!- To hyenas and their shit.


The thing is- did I even need to go through all this trouble? My blog is so very unknown, it may almost be non-existent in this big bad world where the words inspiration and copy can be used interchangeably. I think I’m gonna continue with the chori and bezaati, I don’t know any other form of writing and that’s the only thing I should be sorry about!

Rainy Rumble!

Rain, rain, go away,
Please don't come again another day.
Sheila Ma'am wants to play,
And host the Common Wealth Games.
But, if it rains the way it rains,
Delhi will only be in pain.
Roads cave in, traffic's a snail,
Trees fall, life's a drain.
So, next year gentle Rain be fair and kind,
Only visit Delhi at your appointed time.
Lest the work we do for the khels,
Is wrecked and we put to shame!

Khel Khel Mein

As Delhi gears up and tightens her belt (or will it turn into a noose?) to host the 19th Common Wealth Games, officials from the UK, Australia and Canada express concern over the lax security arrangements. Misters UK, A and C, where and when does the question of security loom if the infrastructure to host the event will not be in place by the scheduled time for the games? As per the Comptroller and Auditor General (CAG) report, 13 out of 19 sports venues evaluated are at high risk of failing deadline as work shortfall is between 25% and 50%. But as Dixit ma'am so very dispassionately assures us all the time that everything is hunky-dory, I think I am going to, for once, place my trust in the establishment. So, this essentially implies that if Lord Shiva doesn't get angry and performs his tandav, Kali Mata doesn't get pissed and brings out her tiger or Lord Krishna doesn't get agitated and spins his chakra, the Common Wealth Games will be definitely held in time on time. But let's say, for argument sake, these bhagwans do in some way impede the games, shouldn't we mortals be prepared? Shouldn't we have a contingency plan in place in order to thwart the vagaries of nature? Well, before any of these Gods decide to play a game with my life, I'll get down to business- I, hereby, propose the Uncommon Poverty Khels. There are 17 disciplines planned for the 2010 Commonwealth Games and here's my take on each:

Aquatics: Venue- Dwarka Underpass (obviously water-filled); Yamuna River
Procedure- Contestants to swim vertically in the underpass pool.
Contestants to deep-dive in Yamuna river; extra points will be awarded for retrieving coins from the river bed.

Archery: Venue- Indian Parliament
Procedure- Contestants to aim at apples placed atop the heads of lined-up politicians; extra points will be awarded for tearing a heart.

Athletics: Venue- Outer Ring Road; Chirag Delhi Nalla
Procedure- Contestants to race against blue line buses.
Contestants to jump over a nalla; extra points will be awarded for cleaning the nalla.

Badminton: Venue- Chandni Chowk
Procedure- Contestants to play Terrace Badminton in the walled city using Dahi Bhalle; extra points will be awarded for not ingesting the bhalla.

Boxing: Venue- Delhi Police Stations
Procedure- Contestants to box policemen; extra points will be awarded for avoiding a custodial death.

Cycling: Venue- BRT Corridor
Procedure- Contestants to cycle alongside the corridor; extra points will be awarded for surviving at the end of the race.

Gymnastics: Venue- Roadside Electric Poles
Procedure- Contestants to perform acrobatics on electric poles and naked wires; extra points will be awarded for not getting electrocuted.

Hockey: No comments- Hockey is India's National Game. (Ok, ok- I couldn't think of anything appropriate; or should the word be inappropriate?)

Lawn Bowls: Venue- Sadar Bazaar
Procedure- Contestants to roll balls on the market floor; extra points will be awarded for not hitting a shopper.

Netball: Venue- Roadside Hoardings
Procedure- Contestants to net the ball on nets fixed on billboards; extra points will be awarded for defacing the advertisement.

Rugby Sevens: Venue- Metro Station; IGI Terminals; Railway Stations
Procedure- Contestants to jostle and elbow crowds at the said venues, to board identified modes of transport; extra points will be awarded for not sweating.

Shooting: Venue- Indian Parliament
Procedure- Contestants to aim at berries placed atop the heads of lined-up politicians; extra points will be awarded for rupturing an eye. (Aren't apples expensive?)

Squash: Venue- MCD Office
Procedure- Contestants to be escorted by the MCD staff to various locations in Delhi that have been identified for demolition, to play squash against the walls of these illegal structures; extra points will be awarded for not getting demolished themselves.

Table Tennis: Venue- Roadside Dhabas
Procedure- Contestants to whack at mosquitoes on dhaba tables.

Tennis: Venue- Chandni Chowk
Procedure- Contestants to play Terrace Tennis in the walled city; extra points will be awarded for eavesdropping and reporting the goings-on in the locality.

Weightlifting: Venue- Metro Station
Procedure- Contestants to lift cement blocks used for Metro pillars.

Wrestling: Venue- Any Delhi Road
Procedure- Contestants to wrestle with cows, cattle, horses, pigs, camels, elephants- in fact any animal of their choice that they encounter on the road and to steer these animals towards safe houses; extra will be awarded for cleaning the animals' poo.

So, as per the games' slogan, I have completed my "Come out and Play" part.

My only hope is no one from the Delhi government comes across this little piece; else I'm so very dead. I will be like shot in the middle of the street and my body will be left at the mercy of MCD-disowned, rabies-stricken dogs. Ouch, wouldn't that hurt!

Aai La! She-lie-a!

Delhi CM Sheila Dixit was at her charming best yesterday while discussing the Monday rain blues. An excerpt from a TV interview:

Reporter: What do you have to say about the rain situation in Delhi, Ma'am?
CM SD: I don't understand what you people want! First you complain that there is no rain, the land is dry and parched, as if it is my mistake. And then when it rains, your complaints are louder. Pehle rote hain log ki baarish nahin aayi, phir rote hai ki itni baarish kyun aa gayi. Please decide what you want from life. This kind of confusion in not healthy.

Reporter: But Ma'am people were stranded on Delhi roads! There were jams that lasted from 5 to 7 hours!
CM SD: It is the story of just one day. Just one solitary single day that a jam lasted till such odd hours. And, again, why the grumble? People have been provided with natural swimming pools, that too for free! I am told vehicles turned into road-side stationary discotheques. Such a lot of fun! And, really, forces of nature were unleashed on Monday. Delhi was blessed with exceptional record-breaking rain. We have no control over it. Do you think I can compete against God himself? Mausam Ka Luft Uthaiye!
By the way, doesn't jam have an expiry date? I didn't know jam lasted just a few hours. What's the food world coming to?

Reporter: Is Delhi ready for the Common Wealth Games yet? Would Delhi be paralyzed similarly and will she be brought down on her knees during the games?
CM SD: My dear lady, the Common Wealth Games are due to take place in October. The rain Gods don't visit Delhi during that month. Please get your facts right. I am afraid to say, but you have a long way to go.

Personally, I think the reporter deserves plaudits and praise for not laughing out loud during the interview. And that's because most of what has been documented above is true, albeit a little of mirch-masala here and there.

Shouldn't we be thanking God, and not the rain ones, that it isn't July all through the year in Delhi? And really, can Dixit ma'am be really blamed for shrugging her responsibility so nonchalantly? Didn't the Congress win in Delhi emphatically and categorically? Aren't we the citizens responsible, somewhere and somehow, for this casual indifference? Looks like a topic worthy of a Freud-Jung debate.

We Don't Need No Reservation

The dance of democracy in India makes politicians sway to varied and weird tunes. Janata Dal (United)'s Sharad Yadav threatened to consume poison if the Women's Reservation Bill is passed in Parliament. Samajwadi Party leader Mulayam Singh Yadav warned male MPs of political extinction unless they recognized the threat imposed by the enactment of the bill.

What I fail to understand is what exactly are these so-called men afraid of? After a lot of deliberation, I feel, the following could be a few plausible reasons for the terror that seems to be clutching at the hearts of male politicians:

• They feel women will steal their microphones which are frequently put to use as spears
• They feel women will grab their share of allotted seats which can be occasionally used as weapons to be flung across the floor of the house
• They feel women will surpass them in mouthing bad words and language
• They feel women will prove to be better at causing interruptions and casting aspersions while fellow MPs address the house
• They feel women will encroach upon their designated napping areas in parliament
  

C'mon Mr. Yadavs, please don't obstruct reservation for women just because of these serious issues. We promise we won't compete with you in any of these departments. And while we are at hosting the reservation party, let's go all the way- let's reserve seats for the pretty and the oh-not-so-pretty women; for the women who can cook and clean and those who can't; for those who can sing and dance and those who can't; for those who are parkati and lipstick addicts and those who aren't; for those who drink and smoke and those who don't; for those who can carry off hot pants and spaghettis and those who well, can't. Let the ball keep rolling!

Belying all the inanities above, let's have a look at hard facts. A mere 10% of the Indian parliament is represented by women. The bill, in its current form, was introduced in 1996, and the fact that even 13 years later it still hasn't been passed by any elected government highlights the depth of ingrained discrimination against females in power positions.

The whole idea of women disturbing the murky waters of an established patriarchal political system and the consequent shift in the power equation is what makes male politicians cry foul. There is no doubt that women are awfully under-represented in the Indian polity. There is also no question of the manner and form of discrimination faced by women belonging to all strata of society on an everyday basis- from female infanticide to dowry deaths, from domestic violence to honor killings, from abduction to rape, from forced prostitution to child labor, from sexual harassment to eve-teasing, from denial of education to disparity in pay packages, from sexual dynamics to casting couches, from suggestions of banning jeans to proposals of barring public drinking- the list is endless. It is exactly to reform and remove these prejudices that female concerns need to be brought to the forefront of national consciousness and who'd better do this than women themselves. Having said that, women, from all sections of this country, do need their voices to be heard and acknowledged but not simply because of their gender but because their issues need the same attention and importance as that of their male counterparts.

It's high time that the politicians and the policy makers of this nation understand and imbibe the notion that reservations are no solution to any problem. The key word is empowerment- of women, of SCs, of STs, of OBCs, of Muslims, of Christians, of gays and of all those people who are grossly misrepresented and discriminated against- be it because of their gender, caste, creed, religion, color or birth. A complete economic, social, political and legal emancipation is an urgent need of the hour.

Till the time we take to move towards solving these pertinent issues, let's start a campaign to root for a 100% reservation for women in parliament; that way we'd succeed in ensuring that a greater number of male political honchos are encouraged to take their own lives in response to an all-female threat. So many birds will be killed with just 1 act!

And as for Mr. Yadav, would you be able to choose your poison all by yourself or do you require some assistance? Please feel free to ask for help, we'd all be more than welcome to extend an unreserved hand.